Puppy Love

I love dogs. I know all of the dogs in my neighborhood. They're so cute when they're out walking, tails wagging, carrying a toy in their mouth...love, love, love.

I was walking home one night, lost in thought (as usual), and saw a beautiful black lab.  I smiled, watching this precious fur-baby walk toward me.

Suddenly, I heard a voice say, "Hey sweetheart, my eyes are up here."  The voice snapped me out of my puppy-daze and I looked up to see a very handsome guy smiling at me. 

Ever so smoothly, I said something to the effect of "uh...I...um...uh..." and did my best doe-in-the-headlights impression.

The handsome guy laughed and told me that he was just kidding. 

I knew that, of course, but - inexplicably - I was unable to react like a normal adult human female and smile at the very handsome guy, or say something...ANYTHING...clever. Heck, I would have settled for coherent.

He said, "Would it have been funnier if [the dog] said it? Damn...I have to remember that." 

And...off he went. 

I walked home, dumbfounded. Truly. Since when did I become a 13 year old teenager again? Stammering at funny, handsome guys with awesome dogs? Seriously??  This is what its come to? SMDH

A Really Good Song

I've thought about starting this blog for a long time.  There are so many strange, wonderful, funny and sometimes unpleasant stories to tell.  But, I couldn't decide. I mean, isn't this done? Really, really done? Where would I begin? Would anyone other than me find this stuff entertaining? Is there a way to minimise exposure to haters? I'd really rather not deal with that. 

Then, last week I decided to risk the midtown holiday madness and venture out for lunch. I was really craving some sushi, and its only 15 yards from the door of my office...how bad could it be? "Don't be a drama queen," I thought. "Just go get some damn sushi."

Silly girl.

The sidewalk was jammed with people, but I made it there without incident and was walking back with my prize. This guy in a puffer coat was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, eyes closed, arms raised toward the heavens, clogging up the works. With holiday spirit in my heart, I didn't do my usual oops-I'm-so-sorry-my-giant-purse-just-hit-you routine, and instead politely said, "Excuse me." As he opened his eyes, he pushed me with both hands. Hard.

I glowered at him, watching him realize what he'd just done, and walked into my office. I got on the elevator and turned around, and there he was, standing in the doors of the elevator. "Oh...great," I thought, "the crazy man followed me."

He apologised, saying that he would never put his hands on a beautiful woman like me. It was just that he was listening to a really good song...Rihanna is his favourite...and he asked if he could take me out some time and make it up to me.  

OMG, what a sweet offer! And, if this isn't a meet cute, I don't know what is! My life flashed before my eyes...I mean, I could be Mrs. Puffer-coat, we could walk down the aisle to Rihanna, buy all of her cd's...we could have a perfect little puffer-coat family.  Oh, the life we would have together.

Through this magical daydream, I heard myself say, "Assault."  

"Huh?" said my confused new love.

"Get away from me," I said.

"Aw baby, don't be like that," he said.

"Arm swinging length," I said. "Right Now."

With that, mercifully, the elevator doors closed. 

It must have been a really, really good song.